My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.