When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Lmaoo 😂
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Oh boy, $150,000!