Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I love you…
…r dog.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.