“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.