Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?