“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Ion see the issue
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.