*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Tear gas is the saddest gas.