For anyone who needs this today
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.