How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
You Might Also Like
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Seems legit
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Your honor these allegations are
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.