Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
He a real one for that
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
philosophical skeletons be like
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir