#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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You wish you had this many chins.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”