Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You Might Also Like
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.