If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Dance like you’re not the father
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks