The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.