I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
You Might Also Like
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
favorite tropes as memes
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…