Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew