I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.