*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
selena gomez
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?