A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.