Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
sry
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them