[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
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Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.