HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.