Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.