A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Velcrow
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth