Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away