“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Tastes like chicken.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.