The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.