Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.