Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My beach vacation Google searches
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos