I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
You Might Also Like
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?