*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My whole life was a lie.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet