a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
how to have fun when you’re poor
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.