WHY would you be happy about this?
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee