Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet