If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.