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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?