asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*