My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You Might Also Like
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
yeah no that’s fair
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.