Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?