My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*