MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
sigh
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.