If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook