Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.