ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
A little too much information.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.