H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.