[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.