My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
You are not alone 💚
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
everyone’s a critic
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
23. the denim jacket
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa