My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m calling the cops.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.