Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.