Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.